The Art of setting healthy boundaries

Being able to set healthy boundaries in your relationships as well as in your professional life is an essential part of living a fulfilled and happy life.

Setting healthy boundaries is a form of self respect and a vital part of loving yourself and ensuring you put yourself in a healthy environment in which you can thrive.

Now, I personally have had my fair share of situations in the past where I hadn’t set my boundaries well enough which in turn lead to a great deal of suffering and toxic relationships.

I feel that women in general have a harder time setting boundaries than men do, a by-product from the age long patriarchy we all still have internalised within us to a certain extent. From an early age on women are generally still being taught to be people-pleasing, self- sacrificial, and accommodating, loosing our connection to our authentic, empowered selves.

Until this day, it still comes across more “natural” and is more “accepted” when a man complains about a situation in the work place or asks for a pay raise (Not to mention that women are still being paid less than men are in the same positions).

It is still a popular notion that when a man speaks his mind and asks for what he wants he is considered “strong” an within his masculine power but when a woman does the same she is often considered “demanding” or “bitchy”.

Thus it comes as no surprise that setting boundaries is often a more difficult task for women than it is for men.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am aware that men also struggle with boundaries, however within my own experience and from the experiences other women have shared with me, women are more likely to compromise their own well being and fail to set healthy boundaries for themselves than than men do.

At this point I have come a long way from having struggled to set boundaries for myself to finally finding a healthy balance and finding the courage to create clear boundaries. The quality of my life has drastically improved ever since I have been able to do so, and I feel a greater sense of happiness in my relationships and in my professional life.

If you, same as myself, have had difficulties with healthy boundary-setting, I would like to share with you a few things which have really helped me on this journey of self-respect.

1. Identify your boundaries

   The first step in setting healthy boundaries is identifying what your boundaries are. Take a piece of paper and write down three different categories; romantic relationships, friendships and professional life. Then for each of these categories ask yourself what kind of existing boundaries you have in those categories and what additional boundaries you would like to set for yourself. If you have trouble coming up with boundaries for yourself, ask yourself whether you feel satisfied within those three categories. Do you feel respected? Do you feel loved? Or do you feel used, taken advantage of ? Ask yourself if there’s certain scenarios which you prefer not repeating and identify what they are so you can prevent them from happening in the future.

2. Communicate your boundaries

   Once you have identified your boundaries it is important to communicate them. Now this is often the most difficult part and requires you to be assertive and direct about your needs. I personally used to have a hard time being direct when it comes to addressing my own needs. I believe the key in feeling confident with communicating boundaries is in how we communicate them - Using assertive rather than aggressive language. You want to come across firm and not rude. Assertive language is clear and nonnegotiable without threatening or blaming the recipient. A good way to do this is by using “ I feel” and “What I need” statements:

   I feel______ when____ because ______

   What I need is_______

   By using these statements you are being clear and direct about your feelings without blaming or criticising the other person. You are simply telling them how you feel and what you need instead of going into statements such as:

   You never do______ so obviously you don’t respect me

   You always say that_________ so it is clear that you don’t value me

   You never ______ so obviously you don’t care

   These statements are assumptions and accusations, instead of clearly communicating boundaries you are blaming the other person for something they may not even be aware of because you haven’t told them what you need in the first place.

   
   3. Letting go of fear

   I used to have this huge fear that setting my own boundaries and telling people what I need or what doesn’t work for me would lead to people abandoning me because I didn’t “give in enough” to them and what they wanted or do enough for them. Ironically, Life time and again has taught me otherwise. Thinking that the more you do for others and the more “selfless” you become will lead to being more liked and loved by others is the biggest illusion ever. On the contrary the more you let others get used to your willingness to appease them the less they will respect you as a person and the less they will ultimately think of you. It truly is a downward spiral.

   This doesn’t just apply to your personal life but also to the workplace. If you are afraid to ask for that pay raise and continue to work overtime for free, your employer will likely get used to not treating you fairly because you didn’t ask for fairness. Never be afraid to ask, or afraid of getting fired. Ultimately people respect individuals more who stand up for themselves. Asking for fairness shows that you respect yourself and that you won’t put up with injustice. There is absolutely nothing shameful about that.

   4. Learn to say No

   For many of us simply saying “NO” is a daunting task. We feel that saying no is “offensive” or are afraid of saying no because we don’t want to hurt others. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying “NO” and being able to do so is a very important aspect of setting boundaries. You can start practicing saying “NO” in small insignificant situations. For example practice saying “No” if a friend asks you to meet up after work but you feel tired that day and would rather not go out or if your partner asks you to buy groceries but your schedule is very busy that day and it would be extra stressful to do so. By practicing to say “NO” in small insignificant situations you will become better at at saying “NO” in bigger matters where theres more at stake.

   5. Express gratitude to others when they set boundaries

   Setting healthy boundaries for yourself also means that you respect and feel grateful when others let you know about their needs and set limits for themselves. In any relationship or professional situation there can only be a good dynamic if there are healthy boundaries on both sides. If you set healthy boundaries for yourself you will feel good about others letting you know about theirs. However, if you haven’t set any healthy boundaries for yourself, other people’s boundaries could perhaps even trigger and upset you since you aren’t in a healthy alignment with yourself and thus the limits others have set for themselves may be incomprehensible for you. So the next time someone lets you know how they feel and what works or doesn’t work for them make sure that you respond with gratitude and let them know that you are thankful that they are expressing their needs and feelings to you. Them letting you know also in return opens up an opportunity for you to open up about your boundaries and vice versa, creating a healthy relationship dynamic.

   
   I hope some of these tips on setting healthy boundaries have inspired and helped you to work on your own boundary setting abilities and will help you create healthier and happier personal as well as professional relationships.

   Managing to set healthy boundaries will make you feel more confident and satisfied in your life and you will truly start to question why you haven’t done so before.